Santa’s Visit to Fitger’s is Cancelled this year
Psssst…as you probably know, Santa’s helpers are in the know and privy to his every decision…due to COVID we worried he couldn’t make it to Fitger’s this year. However, sensing our consternation, one brave little helper brought this Santa Claus Agreement to our attention…
SANTA CLAUS SERVICES AGREEMENT – 2020
THIS AGREEMENT, by and between Santa Claus (“Santa” “Jolly Old Saint Nick” “Father Christmas” “Joulupukki” “Pere Noel” “Weihnachtsmann” “Kanakaloka” “Ded Moroz” “Babbo Natale” “Hoteiosho”) and Children of all ages (DBA and representing said “Recipients” “Fitger’s”), is for the continuation of traditional holiday gift determination and delivery services.
WHEREAS, Santa provides behavior monitoring, gift preference detection
and holiday gift delivery services;
WHEREAS, This ubiquitous bringer of toys for girls and boys has received
complaints regarding both service quality and service coverage areas;
WHEREAS, New challenges to providers of these services include air traffic congestion, global warming, heightened security, a global pandemic, the Trump border wall, privacy concerns and huge rate increases for health insurance;
WHEREAS, The Parties want to address the challenges and continue services; and
WHEREAS, Recipients really want some cool stuff from Santa, and probably won’t even read this.
NOW THEREFORE, in consideration of the foregoing premises, and the mutual covenants contained herein, and other good and valuable consideration, the undersigned agree as follows:
- A) Santa Claus, also known as Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas and Kris Kringle, is a well-known industrialist, philanthropist, keeper-of-lists, itinerant gift-giver and provider of joy. A North Pole resident, he is the iconic embodiment of holiday benevolence and largess. Santa services are provided by Santa and/or his agents, representatives, employees, elves or helpers (all known as Santa’s “Helpers”).
- B) Recipients of services are Children of all ages, their families, friends, pets, and co-workers at Fitger’s.
Services: Santa and Helpers shall provide the following Services:
- A) Behavior Monitoring: Santa monitors children’s behavior 24/7, determining naughty or nice with patented “Knows When You’re Awake” and “You Better Watch Out!” technology.
- B) Gift Preference Detection: Gift preferences are tracked using sophisticated detection systems, including listening to what children say, and reading their letters.
- C) Conditional Gift Selection and Delivery: Santa selects and timely delivers gifts with a twinkle in his eye and a twitch of his nose, using proprietary algorithms that consider gift preference, naughty or nice determination, inventory and weather patterns. Santa may substitute climate-friendly items for the traditional lump of coal.
- D) Special Appearances at Fitger’s in Duluth: Santa shall appear at Fitger’s and be at their beck and call for the Christmas City of the North Parade, the Friday, Saturday & Sunday after Thanksgiving as well as the first three weekends (Sat & Sun) in December and be jolly and wonderful as only Santa can.
Santa and Helpers do not charge for their services. Therefore Santa promises in his heart and soul: “to hold and to share as I live and grow old; I’ll bring goodness to others throughout every year and give of myself with love and good cheer.”
Waiver of Liability: Parties waive all liability and release each other from anything and everything, and will not sue or cry over:
- A) Damages incurred during delivery, such as to roof shingles, shrubbery, sleigh tracks on lawn, reindeer droppings, ribbons in trees, chimney soot on carpets or bathroom towels, disturbances from reindeer games, Rudolph’s nose so bright, broken cookies or spilled milk.
- B) Failure to receive desired gift, or any gift, could be due to any reason or no reason at all, and Recipient agrees to practice gratitude and count one’s blessings.
- C) Others may or will receive gifts that you think are better than yours; this is illusory since the essence of a gift is the intention of the giver and not the object given, and Santa really loves you.
Santa doesn’t sell, share or disclose your private information to anyone, even if secretly requested by a big and powerful government crying “Wolf”. Personal data are not stored on computers, so they can’t be hacked, stolen or lost, and are not transmitted by Telecoms who wiretap, monitor and data-mine your electronic activities for the NSA. Subpoenas, court orders and warrants are disregarded.
Santa is what you believe, and not what someone tells you. Santa is what’s in your heart, rather than what comes down the chimney. Others may believe differently, and that’s OK.
- A) Services require belief in Santa Claus.
- B) Elves and Helpers are retained to assist Santa regardless of race, religion, national origin, gender or sexual orientation; however, elves must be elves, and Helpers need to help.
- C) Despite being tracked by NORAD, Santa flies as much as possible below the radar concerning all government regulation.
- D) Santa is not licensed to operate anywhere, files no tax returns, and is not a corporation, charity, church or government.
- E) Service in your area may require local Santa’s Helpers.
- F) Damages to North Pole operations due to global warming may impact quality of services.
Santa is magical, and can change this contract at any time, though you can’t.
Santa is timeless, love is enduring, and giving nourishes the soul, so the date isn’t that important.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties hereto have signed this Agreement as
of the date set forth above.
Fitger’s of Duluth MN
Signed: Santa Clause
Santa Clause of the North Pole